What Do You Mean You Eat No [Deli] Meat?

The most trying aspect of disguising a pregnancy from coworkers is the tell-tale dietary restrictions associated with pregnancy.* Ok, being Mormon, there was nothing new about avoiding alcohol and coffee. I'm a water drinker, anyway. The most troublesome point was the whole, newfangled "no deli meat" restriction.

The restriction comes about due to listeria. Apparently the nasty buggers can survive in refrigerated temperatures and thrive in the salty confines of deli meat. (Oh, and cantaloupe. None of that for me, either.) It's one of the few bacteria that can effect a fetus, and listeria's effects won't be noticed until the kid is born.

I love deli meat. Gimme an Einstein Bagel's Tasty Turkey Sandwich every week and I'd be a content person. Cool meat with crisp lettuce and a slice of cheese? Yum. Gee, just a few slices of meat meat and two slices of bread is sufficient for me.

I have figured out a few ways to work around my deli meat cravings. First, Rudys serves hot, fresh smoked turkey and it's delicious. Second, hot and toasty sandwiches like a Ruben made at home (microwaving the meat just in case). Third, paninis made at home (with more microwaving). I still miss cold sandwiches, but at least I haven't had to forsake sandwiches entirely. DH suggests I ought to heat the meat and then toss it in the freezer to cool it back down, but that just doesn't interest me.

The problem, coming back to that hiding a pregnancy thing, is what to do when sandwiches are ordered into the office on a busy day. They're a popular item to order in because they're fairly inexpensive and can be eaten with one hand while (by managerial theory) the other hand continues to code away. Many sandwich shops have an open-faced toasting process that I deem sufficient for occasional use to kill icky listeria bugs. Yet, the shop that is most popular among the managers? No toasting. Zip zero nadda.

Nope, at the shop they order from I have 5 options: 4 of them tuna and 1 vegetarian. Stinky tuna is not office-friendly and earns the ire of coworkers; let alone the "4" different options are all the same tuna salad with variances on size and toppings. The vegetarian is just cucumber, tomato, and iceberg lettuce - no joy in that sandwich. And nuking a meat sandwich myself is really not an option given the meat's already contaminated all the tasty non-nuking vegetables.

It's so hard having food given to me. Whine whine.

What I really need for them is to have a code word.

• "Hot" = "nuke the meat"
• "Side Salad" = "keep all those veggies on the side so I can microwave the thing myself and then add them back on top"
• "Cheese Sandwich" = "just gimme bread and cheese 'cause I don't like your questionable meat and insipid vegetables anyway."

I can't transmit these orders without a codeword through a manger without raising an eyebrow. A hot sandwich? A side salad? A cheese sandwich? These things aren't on the menu!

Argh. Why do we order from this deli shop anyway? So, fine, gimme a #4. That's code word enough for "stinky tuna." I'll just try not to keep as far away from my coworkers as possible.

* The state of my pregnancy has been fully pregnant since I posted such information on the internet. The internet is, hopefully, the last to know.